my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
