i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize