I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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