Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
