So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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