The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
