So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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