I will die if light touches me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
