Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
