i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I need a beard to bite.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
