Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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