your parents love me but you hate me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize