a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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