She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There's always time for handjobs
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize