I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I supernannyed him into submission
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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