If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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