someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
