I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
