Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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