I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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