You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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