party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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