Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
