I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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