what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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