and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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