You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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