you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize