Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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