She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
