Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
