I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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