He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
