So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
