Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Someone signed my nipple.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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