A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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