my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
