I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
