I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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