What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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