I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
