dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
