You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
