We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Im part way to drunk.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
