Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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