Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize