my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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