found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
