I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
