It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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