Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
