Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
