she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
