I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
