I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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