im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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