Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
