i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
