I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
