if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
