Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Someone came in the potted fern
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
