She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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