why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
