I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
