if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My life is pants optional.
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